My Dysfunctionality Day 1

Day 1: Thursday December 30, 2010


What's going on in my life? Who am I? What am I? Truthfully... I don't know. All I know is, I'm Drew Ellis. I'm a confused, fucked up, emotional, bitch. But... to most who know of me, to my friends, and to my family... They think I'm just fine. Little do they know that fine really stands for Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional.


Let me ask you this... Do you ever feel a void in your life? A feeling... that pit in your heart... that thing that is missing from your life that simply causes you sadness? Yeah... I have quite a void. I first noticed it about a year ago. It was pretty invisible... until this year hit. Lately, this void has become bigger, and has hurt more. The pain is emotional, not physical (so I know I don't have to go check myself into a hospital... no heart attacks FTW!). I then tried to fill this inexplicable void in my life. With friends... which actually healed it a lot. But there was still a void, nevertheless. The last thing I could think of was having someone. Having that person that you know will always be there for you... to talk to you... to just simply listen while you go on your btich rants. Yeah, I'm talkign about having a boyfriend. Sure, I've had hookups. But I've never had a real relationship before. I've never had someone. I've never had that feeling of being loved by someone who is not in your family or one of your close friends.  So... I became desparate. Not in that creepy, trying to get with anything and everything type of way. Just in the emotional way. So, now, I am in a relationship with a guy who I have absolutely nothing in common with. My heart is nowhere in this relationship. I don't knwo why I even got into this. I truly don't. I guess I wanted to be loved... I wanted that feeling. Now, I realized where my heart really is. With this guy, Kevin. Not only is he cute, but he cares about me. When I'm feeling down... he's always there for me. And... He doesn't want a relationship. Fuck. This is the story of my life.


So... What is my dysfunctionality for today? My heart. The heart with a void. The heart that is missing something. A boyfriend...? Perhaps. I can honestly say this, I have no fucking clue anymore. This void is voiding out of control (did that make any sense? I feel like it didn't). This emptiness is ongoing. Well, who knows. Maybe it will get better? Maybe it will get worse? Well... there is one day (or two... depending on how you look at it) left in this year. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm not really sure what this post accomplished. I'm not sure if anyone is reading this. If you are, you're awesome! If you're not, It doesn't suprise me.


Well off to bed. Off to another day...