Ontop of my usual post about my daily dysfunctions I seem to find in my life... Tomorrow is New Year's Eve! It's been one hell of a fucked up year. Every year I try and make a resolution... Last year's was to come out. (Hey, I actually accomplished my resolution for once!). Now... for this years... one, is this blog. I want to blog about my dysfunctionality, what I'm going through, the things I'm feeling. Lucky for you, you can choose if yo uwant to read it ;). Secondly, it is a resolution, but in a different form. This is what I write from myself... to myself... for the new year.
Dear Self,
Please accept yourself more.
please love yourself,
please make the right choices,
please know what is good for you.
and please, please know that you are not alone.
So there it is. This is my resolution. Not just this blog... but that letter. That is the person I want to become. I need to learn how to truly accept myself. This year, I took a big step with that by coming out. I learned I have a lot further to go with accepting myself. I need to do some serious evaluation of who I am as a person, and truly learn accept that. On top of that, I need to learn how to love myself. As much as my friends think they see a happy person who is proud of himself... that couln't be further from the truth. I can't even look in a miror. Every time I do I see someone who is fat, ugly, and has no potential. That has caused me to view myself as that type of person. I need to love myself for the person I am... The things I have done... And the places I am going. That goes hand in hand with knowing what is good for me. I know where I need to go, I know what roads I need to take to get me there, It is time I do that. My dad always told me that there will become a time in my life wehre I will make an unpopular decision... but out of that experience is wehre I will grow the most. That is what I need this year. Growth. Finally, know that I am not alone. This brings a tear to my eye as I write this. This is not easy to talk about, nobody but a few people know this about me.... Last year, my depression got out of control and I became suicidal for a few weeks. I cut myself, and I just wanted to die. That was the darkest, and lowest point of my life. I bounced back from that, with the help of my amazing friends. This October, when my closest friend attempted suicide... it brought some of those feeligns back. Those feelings of hoplessness, and those feelings of just being alone. Again, I have friends to thank for my well being now... but this year I need to workn on knowing that in my heart. I never want to go down that dark road I went down last year. I learned that life is amazing. It is filled with many truly amazing things, and people. There are so many placecs I want to go in life... but I guess I kinda, sorta, need to be here in order to get there.
So, my friends, I leave you with this... A toast to life for the new year. It is a beautiful thing... It is a shame to miss out on it for a single moment.
Day 1: Thursday December 30, 2010
What's going on in my life? Who am I? What am I? Truthfully... I don't know. All I know is, I'm Drew Ellis. I'm a confused, fucked up, emotional, bitch. But... to most who know of me, to my friends, and to my family... They think I'm just fine. Little do they know that fine really stands for Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional.
Let me ask you this... Do you ever feel a void in your life? A feeling... that pit in your heart... that thing that is missing from your life that simply causes you sadness? Yeah... I have quite a void. I first noticed it about a year ago. It was pretty invisible... until this year hit. Lately, this void has become bigger, and has hurt more. The pain is emotional, not physical (so I know I don't have to go check myself into a hospital... no heart attacks FTW!). I then tried to fill this inexplicable void in my life. With friends... which actually healed it a lot. But there was still a void, nevertheless. The last thing I could think of was having someone. Having that person that you know will always be there for you... to talk to you... to just simply listen while you go on your btich rants. Yeah, I'm talkign about having a boyfriend. Sure, I've had hookups. But I've never had a real relationship before. I've never had someone. I've never had that feeling of being loved by someone who is not in your family or one of your close friends. So... I became desparate. Not in that creepy, trying to get with anything and everything type of way. Just in the emotional way. So, now, I am in a relationship with a guy who I have absolutely nothing in common with. My heart is nowhere in this relationship. I don't knwo why I even got into this. I truly don't. I guess I wanted to be loved... I wanted that feeling. Now, I realized where my heart really is. With this guy, Kevin. Not only is he cute, but he cares about me. When I'm feeling down... he's always there for me. And... He doesn't want a relationship. Fuck. This is the story of my life.
So... What is my dysfunctionality for today? My heart. The heart with a void. The heart that is missing something. A boyfriend...? Perhaps. I can honestly say this, I have no fucking clue anymore. This void is voiding out of control (did that make any sense? I feel like it didn't). This emptiness is ongoing. Well, who knows. Maybe it will get better? Maybe it will get worse? Well... there is one day (or two... depending on how you look at it) left in this year. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm not really sure what this post accomplished. I'm not sure if anyone is reading this. If you are, you're awesome! If you're not, It doesn't suprise me.
Well off to bed. Off to another day...
